A few years ago Channel 4 ran a short series of exactly the
same title, but this one-off on BBC3 chose a different tack which proved to be
even more trying than its predecessor. Still, although it was painful to watch,
it was probably no more annoying than what followed it: the perennially unfunny
Russell Howard.
‘Make Me a Muslim’ failed to be engaging. Like the young converts
that it featured, it seemed to be covering up and keeping
hidden far more than it was revealing. Although looking at the recent
phenomenon of conversion to Islam in Britain, particularly amongst indigenous
British women, the show (to call it a documentary would be a little too
grandiose for what we were offered) was centred upon a 26-year-old model from a
Pakistani background – Shanna – who described herself as “British”,
“Westernised” and “a modern Muslim”. She freely admitted that she does not
practise Islam much, and posed the question as to why young British women
should choose to adopt a religion which imposes so many restrictions upon their
hitherto free lives.
Throughout the programme, a narrator provided commentary in
addition to the questions posed and opinions voiced by Shanna and her
interviewees, setting out, presumably, to attempt to explain why an estimated
5,000 converted to Islam in the UK last year, with over half being white and
three quarters of these women. Alas, as the programme progressed, it appeared
that the personable Shanna was increasingly beginning to question her
westernised approach, and by the end she was stating: “I kind of feel really
weird” and “I feel a bit lost”, meaning that it had made her realise that she
had been neglecting her faith. This was rather sad really, given that this
young woman had already borne the brunt of an extremely nasty hate campaign from
a number of Muslims for attempting to enter Miss Universe. The abusers
routinely described her as a “whore”, and she received death threats, including
threats of decapitation. To see her inclining towards a greater embrace of the
backward misogynist belief system that nurtures such views was thus depressing.
Returning to the equally dispiriting matter of the
indigenous converts, four were featured in the programme, as well as an
Edinburgh resident of African background. One of the converts, rather like
Yvonne Ridley, had affected a pseudo-Pakistani accent, and all of the
indigenous four had donned the drab apparel of the ‘devout’ and ‘modest’ female
Muslim. Seeing them coo about headscarves and other shapeless defeminising
garments made me momentarily wish that the BBC3 crew would parachute in Gok Wan
to give them a wardrobe makeover, but no, we had to stick with “the halalised”
wardrobe as one of them put it.
The first young woman visited, 24-year-old Claire, lived in
Bridgend with her parents, and said that she had been attracted to Islam
because she is “quite conservative”, doesn’t like getting drunk and likes to
dress “modestly” (did you hear that Gok?). As a consequence, the locals
understandably look upon her as something of an oddity, a number of them, she
says, thinking of her as being “a traitor”, which in a sense is rather a fair
description given the fact that she has chosen to figuratively spit in the face
of her own freedom-loving culture.
She formally converted to Islam last year, but her mode of
dress had changed beforehand and she had affectedly decided to change her name,
as would appear to be de rigueur in such cases, to Sophia. For her “All this
stuff about women being oppressed [by Islam] is complete codswallop.” By this
time, I was finding her mannered approach to this adopted belief system a
little vexatious, as was her poor father who’s told her that Islam is a
different culture: “but I did tell her, she is Welsh. At the end of the day,
she’s got pretty hair, curly, like her old man. She’s got no reason to hide it,
has she?”
Sound advice from dad, but this late-onset equivalent of
teen rebellion won’t allow her to open her ears to him of course. Her poor
mother, Gill, looked awkward when asked how the family felt about her
daughter’s conversion, for she acknowledged that other family members weren’t
happy. She said that she had read the Qur’an and didn’t see it as being that
different from the Bible, and viewed its system of belief as being akin to “the
old-fashioned Christian way”. It’s understandable that a mother should not wish
to lose her daughter, so let’s just hope that she’s hanging on in there
waiting for Claire to resurface once the Sophia identity is a spent force.
Shanna next travelled to Scotland to meet Alana, “a
traveller, not a gypsy” by background, who converted two years ago. The media
student really misses Parma ham, but following an encounter in Lanzarote all
pork products are now haram, for it was there that she met Abdul, her fiancé,
who introduced her to Islam. She has decided that they will have two weddings:
one Muslim and one British, although nobody will be allowed to drink at
the latter (so, come to think of it, the ‘British’ wedding will be Muslim too,
and all the worse for it). Abdul will be pleased though, as he’ll acquire the
right to a shiny new UK passport.
Alana was one of those people who possesses a ‘god-shaped
hole’, but unfortunately in this instance, that wily old fox Allah appears to
have crept into it and bedded down, at least for the time being. For ‘fun’, she
likes to attend a weekly Islamic studies class, which scandalously takes place
upon the premises of an alleged centre of learning – a university. There, she
quaffs heady drafts of Quranic history and Shariah law. She would also like to
study Arabic. Abdul will be delighted, particularly when this scintillating stuff
of conversation is added to her ultra-drab halal wardrobe. With an existence
like that, no wonder so many Muslims don’t appear to be that keen on life.
Convert number three was named Lisa. She lives somewhere in
the South (did somebody mention Slough? I can’t remember. If so, it’s probably
best not to quote Betjeman’s most famous verse though: “Come friendly bombs and
fall on Slough”). Married to a Pakistani seven years back, she got around to
converting to Islam one year ago. Although she has three daughters and lives at
home with them, she has never sat in the same room as her in-laws and the local
Pakistani residents shun her owing to their intensely clannish racism and their
preference for first-cousin marriage. Indeed, her ‘husband’ was already married
to someone genetically near and dear when they ‘married’, so she is wife number
two. Bigamy is of course illegal in this country, but anyone who works for the
DSS in certain parts of Britain will of course be aware of a surprising number
of Pakistani and Bangladeshi ‘single’ mothers claiming an impressive array of
benefits for an ever-increasing number of children. Given that Lisa stays at
home to look after the children, she may well be classed as one of these
‘single’ mothers and thus be claiming benefits upon the most dubious of
grounds.
Lisa however, does not like being a “co-wife”, and she and
wife number one really don’t get on. They loathe the sight of each other in
fact, and unsurprisingly, do not live under the same roof. Why did she convert
to Islam? Who knows? Does it sound like she’d have a rational reason? Not
really. Does her husband care? Does anyone? By this stage of the programme I
was seriously flagging. It was very, very dull viewing, but it was about to get
duller: cue a trip to a small northern town in Greater Manchester to meet Inaya
(I can’t remember what her real name was).
Inaya is not happy because she cannot find a Muslim husband
and works in a call centre in Accrington (although to be fair, she did not cite
the call centre job as a source of her unhappiness). She converted four years
ago at the age of 22 “after going through a difficult time . . . [a] rough
patch at home”. Why? She decided to convert as she thought that she would not
be happy otherwise. That’s not really an answer, is it? Still, never mind. So,
is she happy now? As stated at the beginning of this paragraph, she is not
happy, as she cannot find a spouse. Of course she cannot find a spouse, for she
has converted to Islam. For most males of the species that’s a pretty massive
turnoff.
Inaya has been to Muslim speeddating events where
prospective matches have been accompanied by their scowling parents who have
been happy to notify her that she is variously too old, too tall and also
likely to give up Islam (too white and thus fit only for a bit of casual
‘fun’?). As for online dating, she has found that Muslim ‘guys’ just want to
have ‘fun’. Well, well, well. Indeed, so exciting has her new life as a Muslim
proven to be, that her best friend has also converted, but we didn’t get to
hear much about what she’s now not doing in her existence which was formerly a
life.
Shanna next went to Edinburgh to speak to an African model
named Aisha, but at that point it seems that I lapsed into a momentary coma, my
senses dulled by nigh on fifty minutes of banal tedium. Why did BBC3 screen
this? What was the point? As a piece of television, it did not work, and as a
piece of social commentary, it was distinctly unsatisfying. Might it not have
something to do with the fact that the BBC’s Head of Religion and Ethics is a
certain Aaqil Ahmed? Now, which religion do you think he favours promoting?
Does it give you a warm glow knowing that you have to pay for this propagandist
nonsense to be made and broadcast? Bring back ‘Snog, Marry, Avoid’! As for the
bunch in the programme this evening, my recommendation would be as follows: avoid! Evidence of more pro-Islamic BBC bias can be found here in connection with
its promotion of 'World Hijab Day'.
For a response to the many comments below, see
Meet the Islamoantipatheists.
Aaqil Ahmed: BBC Head of Religion and Ethics